Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

Something's just not right in your relationship, and you can't put your finger on it. So here's some help. If your mate is displaying a combination of these behaviors, then you may have a potential batterer on your hands. Following are some common signs of that a person is or may turn out to be abusive. Answering yes to one or two of the following questions does not necessarily mean a person is abusive. However, if any of these questions below are true of you or your partner you should be very cautious about proceeding with the relationship.

1. A PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on very strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. Wants intimacy immediately.
2. JEALOUSY: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to, and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need. Idealizes you to the point that you will never meet that reality.
5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job. Tells you not to tell certain people about your relationship or him.
   
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: The boss, you -- it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.
   
7. MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of, "I am angry" or, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you." Less obvious is the claim: "You make me happy."
   
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is really mad. He'll rant about the injustice of things that are just part of life.
   
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children - emotionally, verbally or physically.
   
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; says he finds the idea of rape exciting. Kink or sexual things you are not comfortable with are pushed, begged for repeatedly.
    
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
    
12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
    
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.
    
14. PAST BATTERING: Admits hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation brought it on.
    
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Makes statements like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it." If he has come this far, it is time to get help, or get out!

Only a couple of these need to be present in a personality for them to be a potential abuser. If this sounds like you or the person you are with please give us a call at 828.208.0056. Someone will be there 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Or you can email us at fvc@fvcyancey.com or leave us a comment here. We will get back to you as soon as possible.

Online Support Group 09/09/2011

This blog is to provide information and support to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, as well as anyone wishing to know more about these issues. Topics will vary from week to week. There will also be news of upcoming events and other happenings with the FVC.

In the coming weeks we would like to make this the spot for our online support group. If there is a topic you would like to discuss leave us a comment or email us at fvc@fvcyancey.com and we will try to get it on here as soon as possible.

This weeks topic is:  Domestic Abuse: What is it?

Domestic abuse is defined as a pattern of sexual, physical, emotional and/or financial abuse, perpetrated with the intent and result of establishing and maintaining control over an intimate partner. 

National statistics show that:

• 1 in 4 women have been a victim of domestic abuse.
• 1 in 33 men have been victim of domestic abuse.
• Women account for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence.
• Men account for 15% of the victims of intimate partner violence.
• Approximately 1 in 5 female high school reports being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.
• One in five teens in a serious relationship reports having been hit, slapped, or pushed by a partner
• 14% of teens report their boyfriend/girlfriend threatened to harm them or themselves to avoid a breakup.
• Domestic violence can happen in any relationship, regardless of ethnic group, income level, religion, education, or sexual orientation.

Statistics are from the Center for Disease Control, Intimate Partner Violence:
http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/intimatepartnerviolence/index.html

The diagram below gives examples of ways that abusers control their partners:

How do you know for sure if you are in an abusive relationship? Following is a list of questions, can you answer yes to any of these?

Has your partner:

       hit/slapped you with open hand

       assaulted you when pregnant

       punched you with fist            

       pulled your hair

       kicked you

       pushed or shoved you

       hit you with object

       knocked you to the floor

       stomped on you

       twisted your arm

       burned you

       strangled you

What types of injuries have you received as a result of the physical abuse?

       broken bones

       black eyes

       cuts or knife wounds

       bruises

       burns

Which of these has your partner done to you:

       kept you away from friends/ family

       kept you from attending school/ church or from working

       called you names such as bitch/slut/worthless/stupid

       accused you of having an affair

       won’t let you go anywhere alone

       won’t let you use the car

       tells you how to wear your hair/makeup and how to dress

       makes you ask for money for household necessities

       won’t let you take the children when you leave

       accuses you of being a bad parent

       threatens to call DSS if you leave

       destroys your property

       makes threatening gestures

       drives in a scary way while you and/or children are in car

Has your partner:

       made you engage in sexual acts against your will

       forced you to have sex/ raped you

       degraded you in sexual ways

       hurt you in front of the children

       hurt you while children in another room

       threatened the family pet

       killed the family pet

       threatened your/ your family’s life

       threatened suicide

If you can answer yes to 5 or more of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship.

If you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship and needs someone to talk to please call us at:

828.682.0056.

Someone is always here to listen 24 hours a day 7 days a week - all calls are confidential

Our next topic will be "Warning signs of an abusive personality."

The Family Violence Coalition of Yancey County Inc, is a nonprofit organization that provides emergency shelter, and other services to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.
The purpose for this blog spot is to provide online support and information to victims/survivors of DV/SA, or anyone interested in learning about these topics. For more information please visit our website at: www.fvcyancey.com